S/o to @funTweeters .
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they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*