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*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Already got one
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.