centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me