@pilau

S tay
T he
A fuck
Y at

A home
T you

H stupid
O selfish
M bastards
E ggs

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@Try2StopME

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

@iGreenMonk

“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”

“You said that a week ago.”

“Ya. I’m still working on it.”

@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

@sheann828

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

@MelvinofYork

There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.

@ohpeetie

Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

@Social_Mime

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.