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A fuck
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A home
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H stupid
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..


“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”

“You said that a week ago.”

“Ya. I’m still working on it.”


No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?


There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.


Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.