Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon