Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
you will never know the true number of layers
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
japanese corn
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.