sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016