Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax