sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Reporter: *ports again*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.