sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
R.I.P.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…