sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

You Might Also Like


No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….


People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.


Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.


The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.


“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…


When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact


i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video


I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow


[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?