@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

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@gitson_shiggles

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

@Cryptic1iam

People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.

@KamanCider

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.

@Eightinchgoat

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.

@BlindVigil

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

@idkzac_

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

@funflaps

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?