sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
But I really needed water water water
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?