Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.