Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
