Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
