Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

He just like my cat fr

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.