Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Take care of yourself, ladies

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

#SuperBowl

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied