Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
The options really are this bad
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.