Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

imagine getting destroyed like this

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.