Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here