Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Pickled cat.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Hank is one in a melon.

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.