Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
welp
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
