Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

The funk soul brother

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.