I get distracted pretty eas
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Life hack
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper