Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith