sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I forgot how to panic. Help
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up