sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
