Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
You better watch out
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.