Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.