Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
You Might Also Like
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
🔦🌙👣
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
same vibe as tangled headphones
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.