Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Very good! 👍😂
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.