Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
You Might Also Like
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.