*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
