Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Message from the dog groomers
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun