Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.