Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
birds and squirrels envy us
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.