Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“