Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

I disagree with my politics

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.