Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
You sure about that?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab