Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out ππΌππΌππΌ
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if i had an evangelical homie iβd be doing this all the time
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I asked my husband if Iβm the only one heβs been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many βcheat daysβ I am allowed each month.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
All Iβm saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
When I can sheβs been typing her reply for 5 mins.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.