Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine