Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Can’t, holding a grudge
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.