Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend