Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

a god among men

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

I have a type: disappointing

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow