Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Can. I. Help. You.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?