Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.