Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.