Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

ew if literal: let me be clear

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!