Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

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