Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?