Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-


Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.


M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?


My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.


ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.


CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”


My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.

I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.


Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?