Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
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Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I want to meet the individual who made this
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me trying to “trust the process”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
thank god the sign was there
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines