Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
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paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.