Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

bad
worse
worst
worchester

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive