Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
murder on the timeline
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend