*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
She: I like Cats
He:
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich