@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

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@CrissySpeaks79

My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.

@curlycomedy

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

@Go2Slp

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.

@panmidwest

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

@squirrel74wkgn

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

@LuvPug

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

@notalogin

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@AimeeHelene1

The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.