My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”
I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
You Might Also Like
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
GENE: hi kev
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.