*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Only a mother’s love …
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.