Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.