safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad