safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx