Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

🤣🤣🤣

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*