Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches