@stevevsninjas

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

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@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about how close the rabbit probably came to being named the grasshopper

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@SvnSxty

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

@ADHDeanASL

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, itโ€™s over for you benches

@enbyjirou

calling your friend “brother from another mother” or “sister from another mister”

– kinda boring
– overdone
– no gender neutral alternative

calling your friend “a clown from the same circus”

– grabs ur attention
– what circus? tell me more
– gender neutral
– bond like no other

@AimeeHelene1

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

@dave_cactus

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

@alli_win

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@TommyKarate

I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.