Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about how close the rabbit probably came to being named the grasshopper
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
calling your friend “brother from another mother” or “sister from another mister”
– kinda boring
– no gender neutral alternative
calling your friend “a clown from the same circus”
– grabs ur attention
– what circus? tell me more
– gender neutral
– bond like no other
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes
LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.