Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

yeah no that’s fair

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.