Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.