Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

My five year plan is a meteorite

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.