Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.