Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

This is my cat’s medicine.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.