Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Good news

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

A bold strategy

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream