Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

sounds kinky. i’m in.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.