Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
nothing saves money like being antisocial
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
HELP 😭
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”