Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
thats my bad
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*