Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

I’m sorry…what?

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?