Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

💀💀

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”