Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Goat cheese is for herders.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.