[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
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Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
me when I see my crush
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.