Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.