Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Had an epiphany today.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
This is a genius move
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu