Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Where is your GOD now????
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut